Topical Top 10: Characters you’d go drinking with

Ed Acteson and James Fenn list the video game characters that you’d want on your drinking team for a wild night out.

Luigi (Mario Bros)

What he’d drink: Campari

What he’d say: “Oh no, Luigi puke. MAMMA!”

Drinking with Luigi would be, more than anything else, out of curiousity. I want to know if he’s an angry drunk who would start ranting about how he has played second fiddle to his brother for his entire life despite possessing a longer jump. The Italian rightly deserves attention and Nintendo’s ‘Year of Luigi’ in 2013 went some way to addressing that but I reckon he would want more. You’d have to be prepared for a wild night, apparently he keeps mushrooms hidden in his sock drawer.

Trevor Philips (GTA5)

What he’d drink: Moonshine

What he’d say: “Tell me where it says you must wear pants on the casino floor”

Trevor is an unstable, psychotic, murdering, arms-trafficking drug dealer who, it is implied, sodomized his own hockey coach. Who among you can claim to be perfect though? For all his flaws, Trevor is a pretty funny character and would definitely go to bat for you if it all kicked off. Unfortunately his very presence would be enough to ensure that it definitely did kick off.

Jill Valentine (Resident Evil)

What she’d drink: Molotov Cocktail

What she’d say: “You want S.T.A.R.S.? I’ll make you see S.T.A.R.S. Chug!”

Jill has survived hordes of zombies so would have no problem accompanying me into a horrible, dive bar at 3am because I couldn’t get served anywhere else. She’s also a strong, secure and funny character with some brutal memories that she would probably want to drink away. Referred to as the ‘Master of Unlocking’, Jill always has her lock picks with her which means no closed bar is out of bounds if you’re after one for the road.

Guybrush Threepwood (The Secret Of Monkey Island)

What he’d drink: Grog

What he’d say: “You drink like a dairy farmer”

Threepwood is the first name on the team sheet for me, the man is a winner. He’s a pirate captain who defeats the nefarious LeChuck whilst winning the heart of the beautiful governer, Elaine Marley. As impressive as all this is, it’s Threepwood’s wit that wins him his place on the list, he is pure banter. If his insults and comebacks in the original game didn’t endear him to you, then you have no soul. “I am rubber, you are glue” won me so many arguments as a kid.

Lara Croft (Tomb Raider)

What she’d drink: Château Latour

What she’d say: “A famous explorer once said that the extraordinary is in what we do, not how quickly we down a pint”

How could you possibly turn down the opportunity to go out on the town with Lara? She’s a wealthy, aristocratic badass who travels the world solving puzzles, raiding tombs and shooting up bad guys. The one major downside I can see is that due to the fact that she’s also incredibly hot, you’d have to put up with guys who live in the gym and wear tight t-shirts trying to crack onto her all night. However, I think Lara would have sufficient manners not to abandon you and, should they get aggressive, it would be amusing to watch her kick their arses.

John Marston (Red Dead Redemption)

What he’d drink: Bourbon

What he’d say: “Some trees flourish, others die. Some cattle grow strong, others are taken by wolves. Some folk can drink, others start crying and vomiting.”

Another Rockstar character who you couldn’t miss outon. I’m going to be honest, he’s largely on the list because I wanted to be a cowboy growing up. Did I appreciate the gritty realities of the life? Definitely not. John’s mother was a prostitute and his father was blinded in a bar fight so it’s been a tough road for the Marston clan. However, the prospect of spending a huntin’ an drinkin’ weekend with John still gets my juices flowing. And yes, I know how that sounded.

Auron (Final Fantasy X)

What he’d drink: Vodka & Elixir

What he’d say: “This is it. This is your Sambuca. It all begins here.”

A dark, brooding presence, Auron is probably your go-to guy for a quiet drink rather than a wild bar crawl ending in a kebab shop. He’s a former warrior monk so has plenty of bloody good stories to tell and you know that he has excellent patience. If he can put up with an entire quest guarding Tidus, possibly the most irritating character in the history of gaming, then he can certainly cope with a few hours in the Dog & Duck, watching me getting increasingly drunk and emotional  about how girls just don’t ‘get me’.

Lúcio (Overwatch)

What he’d drink: Caipirinha

What he’d say: “This is gonna make you feel better”

Lúcio would bring the energy and the beats to any night out, going out him couldn’t be anything other than a huge experience. It would one of those drinking sprees that finishes at sunrise on the beach in Rio de Janeiro and causes a horrendous three day hangover, during which you vow never to drink again. Lúcio is also an international celebrity so we would get in all the best places and not pay a penny. Perfect.

Anatoly Cherdenko (Command & Conquer: Red Alert)

What he’d drink: Vodka

What he’d say: “Well done, commander. I had no doubt that coalition would prove to be… debauched”

In my experience, Russians are fun to drink with. Yes it can get tense but it also rarely boring. Anatoly isn’t the nicest of people, he’s a ruthless, power hungry dictator who acquired a Time Machine to kill Einstein which created an alternate timeline. However, he *has* a Time Machine. Quite frankly I’d like to get Anatoly drunk and take advantage of that machine to make sure my parents fell in love at the school dance. Would he outdrink me and send me back to the prehistoric period? Probably.

Cayde-6 (Destiny)

What he’d drink: Absinthe & Ramen juice

What he’d say: “So, is the Dog & Duck as nasty as they say?”

Cayde-6 would probably get me beaten up if we went boozing together but would also have good chance of charming us into free drinks and VIP access in the same night, a fair trade off. He is the class clown and tends to be constantly light-hearted, which I like on a night out. I’d also want to see how much his presence would piss off Anatoly Cherdenko whose personalities would surely clash. Cayde-6 has countless gunslinging stories and a sufficiently dramatic delivery to keep the night exciting.

And one you’d avoid…

Link (The Legend Of Zelda)

What he’d drink: Blue or red potions

What he’d say: Nothing, ever.

He might be the hero of time. He may have slayed Ganon on multiple occasions. However, he’s got absolutely no conversation, his choice of clothing is embarrassing and he’d get asked for ID in every pub you went into. Stay at home mate, we’ll call you when we go horse riding.

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