Topical Top 10: Which characters could we beat in a fist fight?

By Ed Acteson and James Fenn

Rayman (Rayman)

Self-delusion rating: 3/10

I’ve got some incredibly fond memories of playing Rayman as a kid. However, if he made an inappropriate comment to my sister in the pub I’d have no hesitation in fighting him and you know what? I’m pretty sure I’d win.

He does have a wind up punch that he uses pretty effectively but I’m an entirely different proposition to the mosquitoes he usually throws down with. What would make the fight an intriguing prospect is the fact that Rayman doesn’t have any joints and seems to be largely comprised of air. Though that might increase the chances of me missing, if I did manage to connect with him once, that head is going into orbit and my sister’s honour would be defended.

Sora (Kingdom Hearts)

Self-delusion rating: 2/10

Not only could I convincingly beat Sora in a fight, I’d be glad to. Haters would say that he’s only 14 and it’s a fact I’m well aware of. Ordinarily the prospect of fighting someone so young would appal me but Sora is one of the most obnoxious characters of all time and deserves to have his sea salt ice cream money taken from him.

I’m not naive, if weapons were allowed I wouldn’t stand a chance against that keyblade, but in a straight fist fight he’s hitting the deck. My only concern would be getting jumped by Donald, Goofy and King Mickey mid-brawl, as the cowards tend to attack people as a group.

Voldo (Soulcalibur)

Self-delusion rating: 6/10

Does anyone know exactly what Voldo is? He was an extremely frustrating character to play, as it felt as though he had the potential to be awesome. However, I never quite worked out how and instead he would infuriatingly end up collapsing to the floor and rolling around.

It’s for this exact reason that I think I could take him. If you take those katars away, I reckon he’d still be lying on the floor without a care in the world and it’s that exact moment that you kick him square in the balls. I’m writing all this assuming that Voldo is male but I can’t be entirely sure. One potential obstacle to our encounter would be our different nightlife choices, I’m unlikely to bump into him unless I start attending bondage clubs. Which I might.

Dr Robotnik (Sonic The Hedgehog)

Self-delusion rating: 1/10

One of the most iconic enemies in the history of video games but, let’s be honest, he’d be nothing without his machines. Robotnik’s biggest strength has always been his technological genius but let’s see if he smart enough to steer clear a fistfight with me.

He certainly doesn’t possess an intimidating fighting physique and I think it’s fair to say that he is morbidly obese, yet somehow he has incredibly skinny legs which look as though they can barely carry his sizeable bulk.

This is probably on account of the fact that instead of walking, the lazy bastard hovers around all day in what is effectively a flying disability scooter. I think a mere push would be enough to put him on his arse, where he’d be rolling around like a turtle on its back.

Duke Nukem (Duke Nukem)

Self-delusion rating: 9/10

Yes, I am fully aware that Nukem is absolutely stacked full of muscles but he’s almost definitely on steroids. I’m firmly of the suspicion that in the gym he only works on his glamour muscles for show, whereas I’d be training my core, where the power comes from, for a scrap with him.

I’m a firm believer that if you truly have the will, you can accomplish great things and I absolutely have the will to fight a man who spouts such nonsense as “I’m here to kick ass and chew bubblegum and I’m all out of bubblegum”. Once your age reaches double digits, you shouldn’t be chewing bubble gum anymore and that’s reason enough to punish him.

E. Honda (Street Fighter)

Self-delusion rating: 8/10

Like Robotnik, Honda is another fat lad who would be massively undone by my nimbleness. If I managed to stay out of his range to avoid the sumo slam or the hundred hand slap, I really don’t see what he could do against me.

Though I wouldn’t dream of trying to mix it with some of his Streetfighter colleagues, such as Ryu, Guile or M. Bison, I’d be genuinely disappointed in myself if I failed to knock out the Japanese sumo expert.

Link (Legend Of Zelda)

Self-delusion rating: 5/10

After naming him as the character that we wouldn’t go drinking with in our previous top 10 list, you’d be forgiven for thinking that we’ve got a beef with Link after his inclusion in this one. It isn’t true though, I’m a huge Zelda fan and have played Ocarina Of Time more than any other game.

That being said, if you take away his sword, his bow and his bombs all you’re left with is a moody teenager with a slightly ambiguous gender. I’d take absolutely no pleasure from giving Link a DDT but, if it’s me or him, it’s not going to be me.

Gandhi (Civilisation)

Self-delusion rating: -1/10

The world once viewed Gandhi as a representative of peace and love but he soon showed his true colours when those spiteful little fingers landed on the nuclear button in Civilisation. As the years have worn on, a desperate PR campaign has tried to convince us that his ruthless aggression was due to a coding glitch but you shouldn’t believe a word of it.

How would the nasty git cope if his buffet of nuclear weapons was removed and he was forced to face me mano-a-mano in a good, old-fashioned street brawl? Not very well, in my opinion.

Alec Trevelyan (Goldeneye)

Self-delusion rating: 8/10

He might be a MI6 operative, trained to kill in a variety of different ways, but he’s also a traitor and my fierce loyalty to her majesty would leave me no option but to fight the man. I think, under the right circumstances, I could take him as well.

Once we encountered each other atop the Cradle and I started windmilling in his general direction, there would be no escape for the back-stabbing lowlife and I think, deep down, he’d know he was in big trouble. A single shot to the jaw from one of my fists of fury and it would be goodnight sweet prince.

Tidus (Final Fantasy X)

Self-delusion rating: 4/10

After including Sora, Link and Tidus, there will inevitably be accusations that I only want to beat up teenagers but that’s really only partially true.

Tidus is genuinely the most irritating character in the history of video games. After tens of hours of putting up with his bloody voice and those annoying dungarees with the different length legs, you find out that he was a dream all along! Why couldn’t the fayth have dreamt a less terrible character? Why couldn’t Square Enix have put in a less terrible twist?

I think the fact that he is a dream really swings any potential fight in my favour and I’d have myself as a lock to trash the guy.

One we definitely couldn’t beat.

Doomguy (Doom)

According to his designer, Doomguy’s lack of a proper name or identity is deliberate as he is supposed to represent “the player itself”. However, if you think I’m going to try to make some profound statement about me not wanting to fight him because it would represent some great internal conflict, you’re wrong.

I don’t want to fight Doomguy because he beat all the demons on Mars and then went to hell because he also wanted to f*** with them there. As far as I’m concerned, he is absolutely out of my league and I don’t want any of that action.

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